FNMATTHEW! (blademasterlink) wrote,

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1.suffering from bad luck
2.unfavorable or inauspicious
3.regrettable or deplorable
4.marked by or inviting misfortune
5.lamentable; sad
Sentence: An unfortunate person.

Disclaimer: You might not want to read this because at this point it kind of shows a weakness and puts the way I try to live to shame. At this point the meaning of my tattoo means nothing… Also As I’m writing this I’m jumping around and I can’t pick a topic and stay with it. Sorry if its hard to read but its just kind of hard to think.
Music: What it’s like
(I woke this morning and I felt happy. Just like every time I wake up and I see a message on my phone from her, but also because of what happened.. But I woke up and felt happy, even more so than I have been. Last night I didn't really plan any of it. It kind of just played out like that.. )

Saturday I made my sister (Michelle the 17 year old.) Cry… She mentioned that she never sees me and she asked me if there was a girl. I basically told her everything(Her and I are kind of close because I try to help her with life lessons and talks). I told her all of my feelings and I NEVER tell my family anything. As I was pouring everything out I could see the tears building but I was so happy to finally be able to tell someone that I couldn’t stop. I kept telling her how happy I was to just be near her. Even if its just that! After she wiped her eyes and told me she has never heard me say anything remotely close to that and she was happy for me.

But now, I really don't know what to say. As soon as I heard what she was saying I felt all this come through. I felt anger towards him and his friend! But after that a lot of the anger was toward myself. I think a lot of it was because I was not sure about what was going to happen next. I think about what it would be like if she was not in my life.. I think about

I know I might be acting like a child right now. But this isn’t just some meaningless thing. Things have played over and over and over in my head. About the past, present and future and I really can’t see myself without her. I know this is a little crazy and it is moving kind of fast in my head but its how I feel. I looked at myself in the mirror and I said where is the tough guy that had his feelings in check. The guy who didn’t let things get to him.

Last night I told her the thing I don’t tell anyone and I keep from everyone. Its something I’m a little insecure about. Its kind of something I lie to everyone I know. Not really lie but leave out.

I drove around for awhile. I don't know if I can sleep. But I did take something and it also helped with my chest so maybe I can fall asleep. My chest so hurting so bad! I have broken bones in my body, gotten tattoos, had surgery and so many other things that I can’t even list and they don’t hurt as much as my chest was. Right now I’m actually feeling a huge headache but I might be able to brush that off. The way I solve major problems is I sleep them off. But I’m really afraid to fall sleep. I have no one to talk to. I called Sean but he didn’t answer. You know I have hit the bottom when I call Sean for advice.

Right now I’m waiting for her call… As I’m writing this I’m jumping around and I can’t pick a topic and stay with it.

I feel like saying so many things but I know if I say anymore I will sound like a creepy asshole. There is so much I feel is unsaid. So much that I want to tell her.

She told me that she text him something today and that he didn’t reply all day. She knew he had seen it because he had showed someone. I can’t believe he would make her wait for something like that. THAT‘S FUCKED UP! I would never let someone wait on that. At least send something like, “I don’t know”. At least something man…

Right now I’m kind of outside the box and I’m looking in and I wish I could DO ANYTHING to make everything alright. Right now I just feel so selfish.

I have one day till my birthday... Right now I don't feel like celebrating anything. Right now I just have this bad feeling that things aren’t going to workout. If they don’t I’ll use this vacation to drown myself and maybe skip on the “happiness” I have planned. Last thing I need is do have a horrible trip again.
1:30am: I just got the call…. It wasn’t good. The whole time I was on the phone I really say one thing. It seems that the whole reason any of this has happened is because a guy named Noel. This mother fucker is destroying lives.. She told me that this might be the whole reason why everything turned out the way they did. Unfortunately since this has happened if she does chose him over me our friendship can’t go back the way it was. And I really feel I wont be able to find someone as cool as her. She understands me more than anyone has and I think ever will. She likes me for all my faults and I like her for the few she has.

I feel like such a selfish piece of shit. I’m such a horrible person! I sit here and type away while all this shit is being thrown upon her. I don’t want her to hurt ever. But I feel I’m doing it at this point. The two vicodin I took for the chest pain has worn off and its hurting again and I feel this is only the start.

At this point I went and drove around for awhile because I was wanting for her call. And when I was driving my eyes were getting really heavy and they were doing the whole snap open thing which I think is because of the vicodin so I came home. I'm not out to crash tonight.. I wait for her call again after she confronts noel with this whole thing. I lay in bed waiting for her call. I keep the phone in my hand the whole time. It’s 6:30 and she hasn’t called. I text her because I wonder what happen. I’ll wait for her reply.
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